2B or not 2B, is that the ? Retweet @Billythebard

Let me give you a little background. A couple of days ago, I had received a message on my phone. “Sales are down, and getting worse. Can you come on over?” So I caught the next flight to London. And from London to Stratford-upon-Avon is an easy drive in a rental car.

By the way, I am puzzled by these British names. The aforementioned town lies in south Warwickshire and is renowned as the birthplace of William Shakespeare. It is the largest and most populous town of the non-metropolitan district called Stratford... I will have to leave that to the British, who are rather fussy about grammar and conjunctions and the like. This might, I suspect, have been one of the reasons our founding fathers fled the mother country, to get some respite from the grammar police.

I actually think that both “on” and “upon” are incorrect here. Stratford is by the side of the river Avon, not on it, strictly speaking. But what can you say to the guys who named the river “Avon?” The word “afon” or “avon” is a Celtic synonym of “river.” So the river Avon is the river River. Go figure.

But we digress. I reached the town by the river, or upon the river, and was soon engrossed in a strategy session with our author friend. Macbeth was not doing well. Hamlet was plummeting. Theaters were empty. And bookstores were returning copies of Julius Caesar by the truck load. Bill was a worried man. Thus the meeting between yours truly (YT) and him (WS), and my advice about genres.

WS: I do cross genres. I have tried my hand at comedy.

YT: You call this comedy? “The Merry Wives of Windsor!” Across the pond, we are raised on “Desperate Housewives.” We find your stuff a little tame.

WS: I do poetry, too. Haven’t you read my sonnets?

YT: Look, buddy. Poetry is dead. We appoint a poet laureate, but nobody knows who he or she is most of the time. Heck, most people can’t name the Vice President, never mind the poet laureate.

WS: Well, things are bad over here. The only guy selling well is this Chuck. Chuck something-or-the-other. Guy writes about Christmas. Christmas and a woman’s name: Jane? Wendy?

YT: You must mean Carol. “Christmas Carol.” But Charles Dickens has not even been born yet. He will be born long after you are dead and gone.

WS: Mere details! You know what I am trying to say.

YT: I do. That’s why I recommend different genres. The ghosts of Christmas! Chuck is cashing in on fantasy. That and young adult. That’s where the money is these days. Or light beach reading.

WS: But universities order my books!

YT: Yes they do. But it’s like one and done. Kid reads one required book as an undergrad, and that’s it for the rest of his life.

WS: So what should I do?

YT: Two things. First of all, you need an author platform. Ever heard of social media?

WS: You mean all this chirping?

YT: Tweeting, my friend. Get on Twitter. Start a Facebook fan page. Write a blog. Have you ever done a book tour?

WS (puffing out his chest): I am William Shakespeare. I don’t do book tours.

YT: And that’s why Paris Hilton outsells you. Her Facebook page has more than 6 million likes.

WS: (...looks crestfallen).

YT: Also, spice up your titles. You wrote Henry VI, Part 2, then Part 3, then Part 1. Get your act together. Add subtitles. I would rename Henry VI, Part 1, “Henry the Incompetent: How Not to Lose Your French Territories.” And Henry VI, Part 2, as, “Not Again, Hank! The Nobles Run Amok.”

WS: ... (nods slowly).

YT: And these publishers are giving you a raw deal. Ever heard of self-publishing?

WS: Yes, I have. I think I will contact Mississippi.com.

YT: Right idea, wrong river.

WS: ... (looks puzzled, then understanding kindles his eyes). Ah! Amazon!

YT: Exactly, dude.

Exeunt WS, YT.