A tall cup of ristretto, anyone?

Wine lovers have a special name. Oenophile. A connoisseur of wines. Although the word connoisseur sounds snobbish. An expert in wines. And what are we, the rest of us? Chopped liver? Do you really need a PhD to enjoy a glass of red? Do you need to know the exact region of the world where the grape grew, the zip code, the soil and wind conditions that year? And recognize whether the wine is full-bodied, half-bodied, able-bodied, or disabled? Can’t we just hold our peace and enjoy our libation in silence?

Anyway. It is what it is. One needs to show off to win friends and impress people. The wine is fruity. Okay. Are some wines vegetably? If you can pair beef with a red wine reminding you of peaches, can’t you pair vegetable lasagna with a white wine reminding you of broccoli? I guess that would not sound snobbish enough.

All right. We can let the wine experts pretend that they are fruit farmers fluent in French, Italian and German. But what about coffee? Can we get our morning jolt in peace? No sir.

Coffee is coffee. You can drink it black (if you are a he-man) or add milk to it (as long as nobody rats on you when your macho friends are beating their chests and yelling in their best Tarzan imitation). And sugar is the only other variable. The Tarzans among us would not dream of adding sugar to their java. And sugar-substitute? That might get you picked up and hurled out the window.

Well, that’s what I used to think. I know. Naïve is the word which comes to mind. Dinosaur would be the one my progeny might proffer. So I decided to educate myself. Apparently, over 70 countries produce coffee, but the vast majority of the supply comes from Brazil, Vietnam, Colombia, Indonesia, and Honduras. And there are only four major types of coffee beans, all of them grown in the coffee belt around the equator. Arabica beans account for 60% of total world coffee consumption. Grown mostly in Latin America, they are high-quality and more expensive, and more acidic. If you go to a coffee shop, you’ll probably end up with a blend of these beans.

The next most commonly used beans are the Robusta beans. Mostly grown in Africa and Indonesia, they have twice the amount of caffeine as the Arabica beans, and when you buy beans at the grocery store, this is what you will likely end up with. Espresso coffee is often made with Robusta beans because of their deep flavor.

That leaves us with Liberica beans, grown only in the Philippines, and Excelsa beans from Southeast Asia. They say that coffee from Liberica beans has a full body, and a woody, smoky flavor. So tell me, if I want coffee which has only half a body, what do I do? And the woody flavor: how would I know? I have never tasted wood. Have you?

And then you have light roasts, medium roasts, and dark roasts. This affects the caffeine level, acidity, the intensity of flavor, and how much body the coffee has. Sir, I would like a blend with about 0.3682 body. Got any?

What about the flavor of the coffee? Depends, of course, on where the coffee comes from. Want a chocolate and nutty tone? Go for the Latin American region. Like your coffee fruity and floral? That’s the Africa/Arabia region. But wait a second. There are a lot of fruits and flowers. I would like to try a coffee with pomegranate and Nymphaeaceae flavor. That’s water lily, by the way. Got any?

Now that you are armed with this info, you can venture out to any sophisticated café and ask for a latte. Soon your tastes will evolve to an espresso, a doppio, a lungo, or a ristretto. If you like marshmallows, a Caffe Gommosa might be more to your liking. The cream lovers among you could go for an espresso con panna, while a craving for lemon can be satisfied by ordering an Espresso Romano.

Me, I am happy with good old Americano. I wonder if they have an Indiano, too? I need to talk to a coffee sommelier.