Schrödinger and the case of that dotted ‘o’
Studies show that education improves patient outcomes. Therefore, I would like to propose launching a national program to immediately start educating patients.
This program shall obviously be headed by me, and would involve billions in federal grants. Concerned physicians, like yours truly, are always in favor of education, especially non-federal billions.
What, I’m sure you are wondering, should be the focus of such an education? By the way, focus is extremely important. Quickly now, what is the plural of focus? It takes a twisted mind to decree that “foci” shall be the spelling. Not only is the spelling weird, but the pronunciation changes, too!
Be that as it may, I have come to the conclusion that this education program should begin with instruction in quantum mechanics. Yes, quantum mechanics. You see, studies also show that we are a nation of sleep-deprived people. Sleeping pills are no longer in fashion, so I have often prescribed a thorough perusal of “War and Peace” to my patients. Common sense dictates that quantum mechanics might have the same soporific effect, and in a shorter period of time.
Since quantum mechanics is not of immediate value in the filing of Medicare claims, I must admit that I have neglected to stay up-to-date in this vital field of human endeavor. So I recently re-acquainted myself with Schrödinger, his equation and his cat.
Erwin Schrödinger, for those of you who might have chosen the more rigorous kick-boxing elective instead of high school physics, was an Austrian physicist. He formulated an equation to describe how quantum states change with time.
Wow! And here I thought that quantum states were immune to change. Kind of like Donald Trump’s hairstyle. Silly me. Nothing is sacred anymore, I guess.
Incidentally, I also found some mumbo-jumbo in most physics books about Schrödinger and a cat. But more about that later.
Anyway, my reading paid rich dividends. The clouds of ignorance which lingered in many parts of my brain have been swept away. I am now ready to embark on a vigorous program of grant writing. Be ready for a flood of research money from Washington pouring into Randolph County.
However, I must admit that two major questions remain.
The first one is: Why do all those quantum mechanics equations have to be written in the Greek alphabet? Are you kidding me? This is America, guys. Let’s switch to Spanish.
The second question is: Why on earth does the “o” in Schrödinger have two dots on its head? Come on, seriously.
Languages are funny that way. Is it just me, or have you also had it with languages which put funny squiggles above or below letters? And who decides on how many squiggles?
“Wolfgang, remove the third dot on the top of that letter. What? Why are you sulking? Fine, put a hash-tag on its head. Happy now?”
Which reminds me, we never got to talk about Schrödinger’s cat. But I guess we shouldn’t worry too much about offending dear old Erwin. He’s been dead for over 50 years. As a trained physician, I am fairly certain that by now he must be in an advanced stage of rigor mortis. So it’s quite unlikely that he, or his cat, would catch us even if they came running after us.
Especially given the extra weight of the two dots his “o” is carrying on its head.